1./ Tell her that it will be for the best if you go separate ways… If you’re lucky that will be the end of it, unfortunately this normally goes down like a lead balloon. If your girlfriend really loves you or your financial support she will be determined to hang on to you. Persistent phone calls, texts, Facebook messages, possible threats of suicide etc will reveal that she doesn’t want to go! She may make unrealistic promises of giving up drinking and smoking yabba until 4 am every night, but you know it ain’t happening!

2./ Tell her you have met another lady… Again, if this is said to a rational young lady the response will be anything from crying to spraying your car a new colour and cutting up your favourite shirts. There’s nothing like a Thai woman scorned, and now you’re about to find out! She will want to know who the new lady is and may even follow you or get her Thai husband/boyfriend to follow you to find out. Good luck if you choose number 2!

3./ Tell her you have met a lady boy! Ok, maybe you have, maybe you haven’t, but your girlfriend is much less likely to pick a fight with a lady boy because after all they are blokes! Plus they fight real dirty too!

4./ Tell her you have to go back home as you have run out of money… She may accept this with a few crocodile tears, oh well time to find a new sponsor. Top tip, don’t visit the bar/venue where you met her even if she doesn’t work there anymore, her friends will drop you right in it!

5./ Move condo and buy a new sim for your phone! Ignore any contact on Facebook too, you could even make a new account and delete your old one, this could well through her of the scent; especially if you tell her number 4 too!

6./ Get off with one of your girlfriend’s best friends or more than one! This is living dangerously and can result in your own channel three style soap opera with plenty of screaming, hair pulling and slaps. Let’s just hope she doesn’t carry a weapon!

7./ Get off with your girlfriend’s sister! Even worse than number 6 as you could cause a family feud and then everyone will be after you, best to jump to choice number 10 if you find yourself here! If you girlfriend’s mum is young enough you could even give her a tug too, that’s sure to cause some chaos and instant dislike on her part, and probably her dad too… Again, refer to number 10 if you find yourself in hot water!

8./ Help her get a 9 till 5 regular job! If you met your girl in a bar at night chances are she won’t want to work 50-60 hours a week for 10,000 Baht a month when she can earn that laying on her back in a couple of days during high season! Explain that she needs to help support her mum as your money is running out too, she will soon decide to go back to the bar with her friends…

9./ Shave your hair off and become a Monk. Go to Big C and buy a monk’s robe and accessories including candles, Incense and food bowl and tell her you have become enlightened and must give up all material goods and pleasures. If she doesn’t believe you, start getting up at dawn and visit as many temples as possible until she leaves for another guy…

10./ Go back to your country of origin or pastures new, such as Cambodia! It sounds a bit extreme, but if all else fails run away……